Ninth Blog Post: Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

This week in class we learned about communication and mutual problem solving. We discussed good reasons not to open up your communication with someone and the 5 secrets of effective communication.

The first thing we discussed was good reasons as to why you shouldn’t communicate with someone. We got into small groups and shared our thoughts. The first reason that my group came up with was safety. A good reason to not open up to someone would be if you don’t trust them. For example, if you are in an abusive relationship. If you open up and say something they don’t like, it could trigger aggression in your partner and result in abuse. The second reason we came up with was it could create more conflict. If communicating will just cause more problems maybe you shouldn’t talk about it. A good saying to go with this would be “somethings are better left unsaid.”

After we were finished in our groups, we shared our ideas out loud. Some other valid reasons were bad timing, risk, too hard, guilt, backfire, manipulation, etc. For bad timing, it could be better if said sooner or later depending on the situation. It may just not be the right time. As for risks, it is innate for people to be scared of taking them. We are scared because we don’t exactly know the outcomes of the risk we want to take. It may be too hard to take the risk to say what we need to say to someone. Another reason is guilt. We may feel guilty about what we have done and are ashamed to share it, so we don’t. These are all good reasons not to open up. However, it is almost always better to open up than to keep things a secret.

The next thing we discussed were the 5 secrets of effective communication. The first secret is the disarming technique. The disarming technique is to find truth in what the other person says. You for yourself has to discern between what they say is false and what they say is true. The second secret is empathy. You have to try and understand how they feel and empathize with them. The third secret is inquiry. Inquiry would be to ask questions to clarify that you understand what they feel. You shouldn’t just sit back and assume how they are feeling. You should be straightforward and ask them what they feel. The fourth secret is “I feel” statements. This is where we express our own thoughts. We listen to them and give them our advice or opinions. The fifth and final secret is stroking. Stroking is to have genuine respect, care, concern, and/or admiration for that person. You have to make sure that you genuinely want to listen and help that person. 

You’ve probably heard the saying that “communication is the key to a healthy relationship.” This is so true. Those who are able to communicate and solve problems more fluently have a much more happy and smooth relationship. Those who don’t communicate have a much more complicated and rough relationship. For example, my parents have the best relationship because they communicate what they feel with each other. However, it wasn’t always like that. In the beginning, my dad had a very hard time communicating because of the way he was raised. Him and his siblings didn’t talk about their feelings. It took some time for him to open up and it was something my mom had to help him with. Because they were able to work at it together, their communication with each other is one of the best I’ve seen. 

Sixth Blog Post: Dating and Marriage Continued

    This week in class we continued to talk about dating and marriage. We still discussed the importance of going on dates and getting to know people better. We also still discussed the importance of marriage. Something new that was introduced was creating great relationships, stress and prayer, and what goes hand in hand within the 4 steps of a relationship.

    On the board, my professor wrote Date- to know, to grow, to show. What I perceived from this is that when you first start going on dates with someone, you get to know them. You learn about their interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, family, etc. They also get to learn these things about you as well. Once you reach courtship, you grow together. You will go through disagreements, trials, and won’t always see eye to eye. You will have to rely on each other and overcome it together, leading to growth in the relationship. Lastly, I think to show means that people will recognize how strong the love you have for each other is and it shows them the incredible bond you share. 

    Another thing he wrote on the board was Create- great friendships, great experiences, great marriage. Creating great friendships starts with being outgoing and friendly. When you are outgoing and friendly, people feel comfortable being around you. It allows them to have fun and makes them feel welcomed. This will lead to you hanging out with them which will create a friendship. When you have created a friendship with someone, you’ll most likely have great experiences with them. For example, some of my greatest experiences with my friends include going camping at the beach, staying up late at night conversing, and even being here at college. These experiences will create memories that will last you a lifetime. Lastly, creating a great marriage. Marriage isn’t easy and it’s something you’ll have to work on for the rest of your life. You get out what you put into it. If you make your marriage a priority, you will see it succeed. Like Elder David R. Bednar said at a Devotional from a few weeks ago, “you do not find the perfect marriage or the perfect partner, you create it.” 

    Dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. We discussed what went hand in hand with these four steps in a relationship. With dating comes knowing and becoming. You’ll get to know each other and hopefully you’ll become better and happier people. With courtship comes knowing and practicing. You’ll continue to get to know each other better but will start to practice things that you would do if you were to get married. With engagement comes wedding and marriage preparation. You’ll start planning for your wedding and preparing to share your lives together. With marriage comes the question, should I? Now that you are married, you can no longer think about yourself.You have to think of what’s best for your spouse as well.  Before you make a decision, you have to ask yourself should I? If it doesn’t benefit both yourself and your spouse, you probably shouldn’t do it. 

    With all relationships comes stress. It is unavoidable. What is a good way to help relieve stress? Prayer. Praying for strength, help, and peace can help to relieve stress. When you ask God for something, he will give it to you when he feels it is best. A good quote to go along with this is from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He says, “God cares about you. He will listen. He will answer your prayers.” God is peace and can help you get through stress. Just remember, stress is only temporary and will go away.

Fifth Blog Post: Dating and Marriage

    This week in class we learned about marriage. We learned that 60-80% of Americans cohabit and are 3x more likely to get divorced. We discussed that couples who cohabitate don’t share everything like how married couples do. They keep most of their lives separate. For example, they have separate jobs and pay their own bills. They usually just live in the same residence. It is the total opposite for married couples. Once you get married, you share everything with your spouse. For example, the same last name, finances, car, etc. A good saying for this would be “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours.” 

    This week in class we learned about dating. We learned that people don’t go on dates as much as before, but we dating is a good thing. Dating allows you to meet more people and see what you like and don’t like in a person. Many people think that in order to go on a date, you need to know the person beforehand. But that is not the case at all. The whole reason for going on a date is to get to know someone. 

    It is good to plan when going on a date. You will be able to experience how that person reacts in certain environments and situations. It is also more fun when you plan things. You can plan activities that might be new to the person and can help them get out of their comfort zone. It is not good if you stay in the same environment and do the same things. We discussed that if you do this, you can really only see the person in one way. You will only talk about the same things and it will probably be things that aren’t important or help you see if you really like the person. 

    KNOW-QUO: I=T+T+T. This is the know-quo formula. The first T stands for talk. This is the stage where you share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. You get to know each other a little bit better. The second T is togetherness which is where you share a variety of activities. This is the stage where you go on dates and have fun. The last T is time and this is the stage where you really get to know the person more. You continue to talk and go on dates. We learned that it takes a minimum of 3 months to get to know someone.

    In class, we did an activity where we got into groups and listed down three traits we want in a partner. The three traits that my group and I came up with was fun, hardworking, and kind. I believe that this is a pretty good list of traits that I’m pretty sure everyone wants in a partner. 

Some tips for going on more dates is by associating yourself with different groups of people. Another tip is for girls to ask guys! I know that may seem weird since it’s always guys asking girls but switch it up! Guys like when girls ask too. It shows them that the girl isn’t afraid to go after what they want. Always say yes! Never turn down a date. Even if you don’t like the person, you’ll make a new friend and gain new experiences. The main point is to go on dates and have fun! 

The last thing I’d like to share is a quote that Elder Bednar shared with us at devotional. It is “You don’t find the perfect relationship, you create it.” Marriage and relationships always take work. It is hard but it is possible.

Third Blog Post: Class System and Immigrant Families

Class system: a category or group of persons having a definite status in society Many people believe that social class consists of three groups. Rich, middle, or poor. But what makes someone determines the class you’re in? Well, a bunch of factors. Let me list them: income, age, looks, clothing, belonging, behavior, manners, career, location, education, family size/ structure, culture, rules, customs, achievements, etc. 

To prep for class this week, we watched a few short clips for homework regarding certain families and their social standing. There was one in particular that really stood out to me and it was a lady named Tammy. She had two sons, one in high school and the other around early teen ages. They lived in a tiny trailer on a grassy field. Tammy was employed at Burger King and had no working car, so she walked 10 miles there and back to get to work. She also didn’t have much clothes, so she would wear her work shorts everyday. This family was definitely lower class. However, it was odd because her eldest son didn’t act like he was lower class. He would dress nice to school and was very popular. He wouldn’t let his little brother hang out with him and his friends unless the little brother dressed nice. He also would not let his friends over his house. He had planned to go to college and be successful. It was almost as if he was embarrassed about his family and living situation. He lived a totally different life when he went to school. Why am I sharing this story with you? This just shows that social class is not always how it seems. Just like Tammy’s eldest son, someone could look and act like they are from a higher class, but they could be just the opposite and vice versa. It can be perceived differently. 

We also learned about immigrant families. In class, we had a little bit of role play. People volunteered to be apart of a family that was from Mexico that was soon going to move to the U.S. The dad was going to make the move by himself first and work to send his family back money. When he got to the U.S., he lived with a few other men in a small apartment that were in the same situation. The mom had to find a job so she could save up money for her and her children. The daughter had stayed home and took care of the house, while the son hung out with friends and played soccer. Long story short, they made the move but it had a big effect on the family. It drove them apart. Both the dad and mom’s relationship with the children had greatly weakened due to them being at work all the time. The son got into drugs and hung out with bad people and the daughter closed herself up and stayed in the house most of the time. The family structure fell apart. They also had a very hard time adjusting to the American culture. There were new holidays and customs they needed to get used to. They missed their family and friends from back home. Because they didn’t speak english, they kept to themselves. They would only interact with other people who spoke spanish. 

What I took away from social status is that it is different for every person. Personally, my family is middle class. I had all the necessities needed in order to live and more, but I didn’t get all the wants. However, we were happy and that’s all that mattered. I think as long as you and your family are happy and well, your quality of life will be a lot greater. What I took away from Immigrants is that tough situations can either make or break the family. If you ever go through a tough situation, don’t let it break yours.

Second Blog Post: Theories

    Theory: an explanation; a set of logically related propositions that explain some phenomenon. In class this week, we learned about theories used when examining the family. 

The first theory we learned about and the main theory I would like to focus on is the systems theory. It is when the group must be analyzed as a whole but is composed of interrelated parts or individuals. The word system means one part of something influences the next part. When applied to this particular system, it means each person within the group influence each other and work together to maintain the system. An easy way to remember the systems theory is by the saying “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” There are specific people who form the system and have specific rules and roles. I know that my roles in my own family is the peacemaker, as well as the family clown. Even though the system is bound by rules, of course there are people who want to test the system and break those rules. For example, parents setting a curfew for their teenager. The teenager being a teenager will most likely break that rule and stay out past curfew. This theory is probably the most used theory amongst families. 

Subsystem: a self-contained system within a larger system. Within a system, there is usually always a subsystem. There could be at least one or there could be a couple dozen. It really just depends on the family. A few examples of a subsystem could be father/son, mother/daughter, mother/father, etc. In my family, I would say that I am in a subsystem with both my siblings and my parents. I am close to each one and we all share a different relationship. There are some things that I would rather go to my siblings about than my parents and vice versa. There is also something called executive subsystems, which is the leaders that make the decision. The most common executive subsystem is probably mother/father because they are the heads of the family. However, there are cases where it could be mother/son, mother/daughter or father/son, father/daughter. For example, single parents. If there is a single parent, that parent probably relies on their oldest child to help enforce rules and take care of the younger children. 

The second theory is the symbolic interaction theory. This theory is when an individual is influenced and shaped by their interaction experiences. That situation could either be beneficial or have consequences. With this theory, there is always a meaning to everything. An example that we discussed in class is holding hands. It could mean something different for both people. It could mean love for one person, but nothing for the other. 

    The third theory we learned about is the exchange theory. Think of this theory as a balance scale. It is when an individual “weighs” the pros and cons or costs and rewards of a situation.They determine if the situation is fair, appealing, or worthwhile. We usually attempt to keep the cost lower than our rewards in interaction. Some costs could be time, money, and emotional or intellectual energy. Some rewards could be emotional or intellectual gratification, money, a sense of security, or anything that’s a satisfying outcome of a relationship. 

    The fourth and last theory we learned about was the conflict theory. Conflict theory is when all societies are characterized by inequality, conflict, and change as groups within the society struggle over scarce resources. There are contradictory interests, needs, and goals amongst everyone, meaning that everyone cannot be satisfied. People often struggle with each other so they usually think about oneself. For example, a tenant and their owner. A tenant and their owner could have different views of how to live that could cause conflict to the relationship. 

    All of these theories have common concepts and notions. You will find similarities between each of them. The theory that I enjoyed learning about the most is the systems theory because I feel like it not only applies to my own family, but most families. Which theory applies to yours?

First Blog Post: Family Trends

This week in class we learned about family trends and how it has drastically changed since the late 1900’s. The first trend that was discussed was single mothers. 40% of children are born without dads and we can only assume that the numbers will continue to rise. The trend that went hand and hand with this is working mothers. If a mother is single, she is most likely the only provider within the household. Just like single mothers, we can assume that the amount of working mothers will increase. Being a single mother and having to work all the time puts a strain on her relationship with her children. Both the mother and children wouldn’t be spending much time together and it could affect the child. For example, the kids may not be learning the skills they necessary skills needed to grow up.

Delayed marriage is also one of the trends that we’ve seen increase. People are waiting to get married. The average age for men to get married is 29.5 and for women, 27.4. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it is normal for people to get married in their early 20’s. However, this trend pertains to people of the LDS faith as well. We see that it is happening in all aspects of every culture, religion, and family. Because people are getting married later, the age of having a first child is going up. I personally think that if you are having a child at an old age, you’re probably not going to have much kids. My reason for thinking this is because it’s dangerous to have kids when you’re old and it’s harder to take care of them.The trend that goes hand in hand with this is cohabitation. 60%- 80% of people cohabitate, meaning that they live together and have a sexual relationship not being married. 

People are having fewer children and this is also becoming more common. The average birth rate was 2.13 but decreased to 1.8. That is a significant drop in numbers. Birth rates contribute to another trend which is living alone and household sizes. Because there isn’t much births happening, household sizes are getting smaller. There are fewer people in the house, usually it’s a person living alone. Personally, I don’t think I could live alone because I grew up always around family. Family makes things more enjoyable.

Another trend is divorce rates. During the 1970’s, the amount of divorces spiked up however, in 1980 it decreased. Most people say that when a marriage happens, there’s a 50-50 chance that a divorce will take place. That is not true. Divorce rates has never really reached 50%, maybe for certain years, but not overall. 

Pre- marital sex is also a trend we discussed in class. To my surprise, stats revealed that sexual intercourse has dropped within the last 15 years. I thought that it would have greatly increased due to the society that we live in today, but I was wrong. The only reason I can assume that people are abstaining from having sex before marriage is because they don’t want to be tied down to someone. However, waiting til marriage to have sex is a great and sacred thing between you and your other half. 

While examining all of these trends, there was one thing that came up in class. They are a sequence of events. One trend influences the next trend. You can see that a lot of the trends go hand in hand with one another and are somewhat related. I found that learning about these trends were very interesting, especially when I saw the numbers. Hopefully, you learned something new and found it interesting also.

Aloha! I'm Elisha Hopeau and I'm excited to start blogging. By blogging my thoughts, insights, and opinions on family relations, I hope you will be able to have a better understanding and a fresh perspective. My family is the most important thing in my life and it should be yours too.